And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
