That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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