Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
