I can text with my tongue
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
