this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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