my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
