The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
