I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize
