he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
