We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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