I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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