I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
