Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize