plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
