so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
