I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
