my text book just quoted the cookie monster
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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