shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
