i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
