I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
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