her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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