Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
