today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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