I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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