My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
