Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
