i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
