how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
