Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
