What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
