Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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