I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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