it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
