Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
