I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
