If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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