Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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