I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
