Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
