My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
