Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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