my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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