Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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