This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
