We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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