mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
