Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
pop tarts are not kleenex
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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