Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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