Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
