I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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