Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The air was thick with penises
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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