glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize