can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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