im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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