yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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