I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
