Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
